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The Princess

نور فاتحة حسنى سايڠ أيمان !
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: Nur Fatihah Husna Zakaria
: ayeitstehahhere
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She said she was happy. Even when she had scars on her wrists.

I know this is long, but please read ;'(. It truly helps you to understand those of us who feel this way... Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.  My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free. Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you. It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again. When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I'm older crying seems to be the only option. I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts too much to hold on anymore. You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too. Disebabkan aku senyum tak bermakna aku gembira. Wehhh I'm tired of living and scared of dying! I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable. Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't. I'm just learning how to smile, and that's not easy to do.Kadang-kadang rasa sakit tu datang bila terpaksa senyum depan semua orang, dan bila keseorangan airmata menemani :') Aku ingin dikenang sebagai gadis yang sentiasa tersenyum. Orang yang boleh menerangi hari kau, walaupun aku tidak dapat menceriakan diri sendiri. Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. Stop the world. I wanna get off.  I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I ran away and hid from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back to me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago; it's hurting ten times more.
It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.
You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.
I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.
I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.
Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.
I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.
I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.
Even the people who never frown eventually break down.
How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?
I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?
You look at me and think, 'she's so happy' but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.
Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?
People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear.
Let no one think I gave in.
The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive.
It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.
Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall, can't be weak, can't stand still, and watch your back because no one else will.
There's no excuse for the need to take your own life away, everyone passes through some rough obstacles in life, just face them as they come along, there's always a way to overcome those obstacles, and learn from your experiences.
If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem--its reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.
It's funny the way you can get used to the tears and the pain.
What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?
You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right now... it doesn't feel that way…
Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.
I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same... then we were all just a bunch of crazy teenagers looking for a wild time. But now, thing aren't the same. Each of us has gone our different ways. We change, people change, things just change, and we aren't those crazy teenagers looking for a wild time anymore. We're teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we're in need.
Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so good at pretending to be, I'd be better at actually being happy.
Her sadness did not have that. It dripped slowly into her life without her noticing it; at least, not noticing it until it consumed her fully and smothered her with darkness.
I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when I’m all alone its best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway.
Everybody's searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my need... a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.
Pain is your friend, it tells you when you're seriously injured, it keeps you awake and angry but the best thing about it is it lets you know that you're alive.
I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside.
When your sure you've had enough of this life... don't let yourself go... because everybody cries... everybody hurts sometimes... sometimes everything is wrong.
Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart.
Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more.
I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.
Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me.
There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care.
I'm often silent when I am screaming inside.
The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most.
Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads?'
Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile.
Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no, you're not'.
Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.
Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like.
You never know when you wake up, if all will be the same, or if you'll be back in your dark place, again to feel the pain.
No one can see the pain what we hide, they're happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don't want to know. Why should we involve them; why should it show.
Our generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.
So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife.
I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be.
I'm hurting so bad inside I just wish you could see... I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me.
Beware the person who has nothing to lose.
In the end, music is your only friend.
When your going thru hell... it's best to just keep on going...
What's the point in screaming? No one is listening anyway.
I'm young and I'm hopeless... I'm lost and I know this... I'm going nowhere fast... that's what they say... I'm troublesome, I've fallen... I'm angry at my Father... it's me against this world and I don't care.
She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself.
Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don't exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am.
Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there's so much behind my smile you just don't know.
I like having low self-esteem it makes me feel special.
Take it from someone who's fallen... it's a long way down.
They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.
The beautiful thing about music is when it hits you, you fell no pain.
True strength is holding it together when everyone else would understand if you fall apart.
The only thing worse then being hated is being ignored. At least when they hate you they treat you like you exist.
There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.
She is the quietest kind of rebel.
She could shut out the whole world, including herself.
Our scars have the power to remind us that the past is real.
Nothing can stop me now because I don't care anymore.
In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all.
She was like a flower that had been battered by a storm, but not quite destroyed. Gradually, she began to strengthen and bloom again.
She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad and that's important you know.
I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.
Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head.
I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay.
But its ironic because that's how I live my life. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I can't be happy to be who I am because I don't know who I am anymore.
Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.